About three months ago I almost got to meet the driver of a speeding Toyota because losing 40 pounds caused already droopy eyelids to worsen and diminish my peripheral vision to the point I didn't see the oncoming car as I made a left turn.
A week ago, on Monday, I underwent blepharoplasty to remove the excess skin. Here are some tips for you if you decide to have a similarly very-visible surgery.
1. Do not joke with the surgeon, asking him to save the removed tissue so you can have it tanned and make a wallet. His hands will jerk as he laughs.
2. Do be ready for seemingly endless comments about looking like a raccoon.
3. Do not, on being asked what happened, say your wife has been beating you, at least not more than two or three times. This is because someone will believe you and when that happens the wife will beat you like a rented mule.
4. When attending a function with more than two people attending, wait until everyone arrives and only then give all the details of what happened, beginning with the Toyota, lest you have to repeat it at least once for every 2.7 people attending.
5. Do not be timid in brushing away hands with long fingernails that are used to point out salient features that have changed as a result of the surgery.
6. Resist the temptation to believe you can attend church with 2,400 fellow worshipers on Sunday and just wear sunglasses to mask the bruising. It will attract more attention than not doing so (see rule of 2.7 in number 4 above).
On the plus side:
1. Screaming, unruly children in stores instantly quiet themselves when you draw near.
2. Panhandlers will not ask for spare change, apparently thinking you are worse off than they.
3. The vision improvement will be instantly apparent even before the swelling begins to diminish.
Other than that, with the weight loss and surgery, I need to have another photo made because I don't look like me from early 2008.
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